Saturday, March 3, 2007

World Largest Pitchfork Raised

ARKHAN, Kazakhstan - Town of Arkhan, Kazakhstan is known for farming and also, the only place where pig propose to man for union. Today, mayor of Arkhan, Piotr Ibrahimovich, reveal to world and Kazakhstan world largest pitchfork. With the labor of 300 Jews, pitchfork was built using latest Kazakh donkey technology. Artisans from Rodobova and other parts of Kazakhstan help carve pitchfork using 16 trees.

In celebration, the Jews were sent to be sacrificed to appease the Hawk.

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

Reminyka Women Polo Team Win Syurrin Women Polo Competition

Almaty, Kazakhstan - Polo team of Reminyka Sows won game between Almaty Hawks in women polo. On first half, Almaty's rider Ivan Petrov scored the first goal on minute 20 but Reminyka star rider, Vladimir Isidoro's scored two retaliation goal at minute 40 and 45.
Second half, Almaty Hawks coach Semen Vasily changed tactics that enable Almaty an equalizer when rider Yakov Grigory scored another goal at minute 75.
At minute 80, Almaty Hawks' rider, Edya Narkov, was thrown off his woman when she get into fight with rider Bilok Havagovic woman and wife. Penalty given but Edya Narkov lose game with this chance. Ivan Petrov stole show by using the Nakuryev technique by stealing ball from under woman's crotch and hitting her there and scoring another goal. Reminyka Sows win 3 to 2 against the Almaty Hawks, causing huge uproar in capital.
After game, President Nazerbayev awarded the champions a trophy and potatoes to woman to cook dinner for husband at 7.15pm. Almaty Hawks were sent to jail for losing and will be tortured accordingly.

Monday, January 8, 2007

Donkey Captured; Villagers Rejoice

Trekursk, KAZAKHSTAN - Villagers of Trekursk rejoice as donkey of Sunday's stampede was found in a field outside the village of Grenkski. Donkey was having anus party with a horse at 2.00pm GMT +6. The donkey was capture using rope and net in which a rope was pulled around the donkey's neck and the net was put onto the donkey.

Razputin Viktor was quoted, "Very excite" as the renegade donkey was finally captured. Head of village, Nikolai Azbavys cut off donkey head on a basin where villagers then began scooping the blood of the donkey and drink it. Children gathered around the body of the donkey to kick around while the women sat at home, watching festivities from afar.

Two days ago, three villagers died and four were arrested for treason. The four women awaiting trial are charged under conspiracy of mutiny to Kazakhstan. Uzbekistan has not sent an official response.

Donkey On Loose; 3 Killed in Havoc

Trekursk, KAZAKHSTAN - Razputin Viktor was to be wed last night when ritual of drinking donkey liquid gone wrong. Donkey of Inga Viktor, grandmother of Razputin Viktor who is also mother seem not sedated from eating gypsy pubis. It is known to villagers that eating gypsy pubis causes sleep and also, protects them from certain types of AIDS.

Donkey charged to the crowd of 20 woman barricade injuring 13 women, 2 chickens and one very angry donkey. Though three women died (including bride of Razputin), four other women who not get hurt was arrested by villagers and sent to prison.

President Nazarbavey send deepest condolences to family of dead and injured. He also ensure that women who escape from barricade would get swiftest punishment.